Partners for Purity - Discussion Forum: lessons learned and learning lessons...

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lessons learned and learning lessons...
hopeful	#1 Posted on 04/11/2007 12:08
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	my dad struggled...it broke my family apart...he had an affair and it shredded my mom's self-esteem...I found out after he left our family that this was an issue...That was when I was 15. I grew up, went to college, met an amazing man and I BELIEVED him when he said it wasn't a struggle for him. At the time, I think it wasn't, but he, like SO many other men, was exposed at a VERY early age. We got married and had two kids and life was pretty good...there were some pretty bleak times when we wondered where God was and what He was doing, but I thought we were okay. We moved to be closer to family and it is good that we did because BY GOD'S GRACE right after we moved and had found a good church, I found some stuff on the internet...I FREAKED out, hyper-ventilated and pretty much assumed THE WORST of it all. (I, like probably MANY of you, have a HUGE issue with secrecy and trust...my dad had a whole secret life we weren't aware of). SO, at that point God gave me INCREDIBLE grace to extend to my dear husband and he was EXTREMELY repentant. He talked with those he needed to, read Every Man's Battle and did the study himself and REALLY wanted freedom. I found out we were expecting again and it was a huge blessing...felt like being restored... That was about a year and a half ago...I just found out recently that over the summer (while recovering from a c-section) that he got back into some stuff...I only know a little bit, but it was enough for me to believe it wasn't just a stumbling upon... and that was over the summer...he said it had been a while and the reason I found stuff was b/c he was trying to delete everything he needed to and it was in a temp folder. He has been pretty honest when I have confronted him about things. He has an accountability person now which is good for him. Lessons I've learned: I think women have little understanding about this struggle...it isn't as personal as it feels (and it feels VERY personal) For me, it hurts more when he tries to hide it than when he actually falls...there is nothing worse than stumbling upon it for me...it is hard for me not to let my mind go where it REALLY doesn't need to go... Women want to be held in esteem and be found beautiful...that is why when our husbands/boyfriends fall it rips us to our core...they are finding someone else beautiful and we no longer feel cherished. This is the very reason that the enemy has distorted it...men get a chemical "release" that makes them feel temporarily really good (and then REALLY bad) and when stress comes, it is easier to not stand strong. B/c women want to be found beautiful, the distortion/tempation for women is to dress sexy, wear tight fitting clothing and be "noticed"...and I am NOT just meaning the playboy models...I'm talking about all of us... Lessons I'm learning: My husband may fall short, but so do I...and when I am feeling "cold" towards him, it alienates him further and he is even MORE open to the temptations...this can be hard I'm learning I can't be the police for him...( though I SO want to be...) Though I want to throw away our every opportunity for internet connection, this isn't a good solution :sighw: There are opportunities everywhere...even walking down the street... I am learning that I NEED to help protect him by PRAYING for him...it is hard to remember some days...especially w/ three kids and one on the way...:yes: This is so much longer than I intended it to be, but I am SO glad to have found a place to vent...I am SO grateful... My current fear (and I know, fear is NOT from God) is that b/c of where we are in life, that this new addition is going to be a source of stress...that he'll want to hole up and get into stuff...mdh is in school and this new little blessing is a COMPLETE surprise and I don't want him to be overwhelmed even more... I would appreciate your prayers for him...as well as me...I want so badly to trust him...my experience really isn't making that as easy as I'd like... Thanks all


wifeofMM	#2 Posted on 04/11/2007 12:15
Tribal Elder Posts: 5494 Joined: 07/05/2006	Welcome and thanks.... thanks for sharing that... I needed to be reminded of a lot of those points! I appreciate your honesty! Will be praying, congratulations on your fourth blessing! "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5:3-4) Praising God for the blessings and praying for the journey!


nessa	#3 Posted on 04/11/2007 12:18
Active Member Posts: 216 Joined: 10/23/2006	hmmmmm.... your story sounds strangely farmiliar. I think a lot of women could benifit from reading your lessons learned. You're a smart gal. Well I'm sure God helped you out with at least some of those. (I try to be funny but I'm not) congrats on the new one!!!! I'll be praying.


browneyedgirl	#4 Posted on 04/11/2007 12:21
Senior Contributor Posts: 946 Joined: 02/27/2007	Thanks for sharing and you said some things that I really needed to hear. I am praying for you and your family and the beautiful little one on the way. I will re-read your post as you shared some very valuable thoughts that I want to pray on for my own situation. You will all be in my prayers. I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry that you are also in this situation. This is a blessed place to find love, hope, honesty and prayer. Praying for you, Carole


Brlwliveoutloud	#5 Posted on 04/11/2007 13:36
Tribal Elder Posts: 4929 Joined: 06/18/2006	Hey JustJen, You are right about that stuff. I pray that your husband does not fall because of the new addition! I pray that you find support and friendship here, that will keep your chin up on days when you'd rather just stay in bed! Love, Jill A Woman's beauty comes from Christ within her!


D is for dandelion	#6 Posted on 04/11/2007 16:13
Tribal Elder Posts: 6512 Joined: 11/05/2006	Welcome! I'm praying for you and your dh. :2pray: Nathalie If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours? my blog


breakingthecycle	#7 Posted on 04/12/2007 22:10
Administrator Posts: 2964 Joined: 07/13/2006	Thanks for sharing this very insighful post. I can tell you are very mature in your thinking. It hit home for me as well. Sorry for the reason you are here but glad you found us. Hugs, Sue


hopeful	#8 Posted on 04/13/2007 00:43
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	Thanks, ladies It is good to have people to talk with... Emotionally, I'm having a rough night, but I suppose there are up and down days, eh?! "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


hopeful	#9 Posted on 04/13/2007 01:03
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	What can we as women do when we have half-answers? Is it BETTER to not know it all? Should I feel blessed that he hasn't shared EVERYTHING? I am caught between a rock and a hard place right now...wanting to trust and let him be and wrestle through the struggles and NOT wanting to be blindsided again...I don't want him to feel my fear of him falling...I want to love the 1 Cor. way...love always trust, hopes, perseveres...and never fails... Lord, please help me love him that way...may we all see past our husbands and their sin to see that how we are loving them, we are loving You (for what you have done for the least of these, you have done for Me...I just know that if the "least of these" need that, so do are husbands, even though we're wounded) sniffle "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


D is for dandelion	#10 Posted on 04/13/2007 03:47
Tribal Elder Posts: 6512 Joined: 11/05/2006	(((hugs))) God hears all your prayers. Still praying for you and your dh. I really like your signature line. Nathalie If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours? my blog


hopeful	#11 Posted on 04/13/2007 12:18
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	thanks I am finding the more questions I ask, the harder it is to not let my thoughts run rampant with MORE questions...I wish there were a golden line... My prayer today is for my husband to begin to LOATHE all of this...hating the feeling it brings, hating the distortion of what God intends and the consequences that come with all of it...may he be repulsed by it...in every way and only love the intimacy that was created for him and me... and I like your sig line, too, Nathalie "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


flamingo14	#12 Posted on 04/13/2007 12:29
New Member Posts: 49 Joined: 04/05/2007	JustJen, I am sad you had to come here, but I am thankful you found this site. I, too, experience the rollercoaster of emotions. I cannot imagine trying to deal with all of this and trying to take care of 3 little ones with 1 on the way. You are precious in god's sight. I am praying for God to convict your hubby and to strengthen your heart. With God all things are possible.:2pray:


D is for dandelion	#13 Posted on 04/13/2007 14:10
Tribal Elder Posts: 6512 Joined: 11/05/2006	justjen wrote: thanks I am finding the more questions I ask, the harder it is to not let my thoughts run rampant with MORE questions...I wish there were a golden line... Doubt is not from God. As soon as you begin to feel the doubt wheels turning, start praying, no ifs, ands, or buts. Confess God's word aloud. The enemy is attacking you the best way he knows how. I'm praying in agreement with you! and I like your sig line, too, Nathalie Thank you! :angel: Nathalie If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours? my blog


Renewed	#14 Posted on 04/13/2007 17:10
Tribal Elder Posts: 1245 Joined: 04/10/2007	My DH is a student also. We have 4 kids. I am constantly wondering what he is doing at school and who he may be lusting at. I am still in shock over the whole thing. I even read Every Man's Battle that only made my despair worse. Your words are encouraging and I will try to pray uplifting prayers for my DH instead of playing crazy mind games with myself. Maggie


mamareid	#15 Posted on 04/23/2007 20:12
New Member Posts: 4 Joined: 04/04/2007	thank you for saying that it's the lying that bothers you more than the actual act. i don't condone pornography but what hurts me most are all the lies and deceit to cover it all up. i hate being lied to. when i am lied to it really throws me for a loop. i would much rather him stumble, tell me and then we can get on with life and healing.


hopeful	#16 Posted on 04/25/2007 12:48
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	yeah...this is the first time I've been on in a little while to sit down and write, but when I told dh that, he was shocked...I mean, shocked! "really?!?!" YEAH...being lied to makes you question anything that you've been told by that person and makes you feel like a fool... I am also finding I need to be careful how much time I invest in being on this site right now b/c often times it makes me question more...and be more suspicious... does anyone else find that? I am really grateful for the community, but am trying to find the balance so my dh doesn't feel like I'm fearing and "waiting" for him to stumble...lurking around the corners to catch him... is it just me?! "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


breakingthecycle	#17 Posted on 04/25/2007 14:00
Administrator Posts: 2964 Joined: 07/13/2006	I had this same feeling when I was new to this. When I read about what other men were doing, it started to freak me out a little. I began to question my DH about all these things I was reading about. I had to draw some boundaries for myself with how much time to spend on here. Instead of reading about others lives, I began to spend that time with God and really build on that relationship first. That is where your strength and peace will come. While this site is a great place to come to, it cannot take the place of time spent with your Heavenly Father. Seek that first - above all else!! Hugs, Sue


nessa	#18 Posted on 04/25/2007 16:32
Active Member Posts: 216 Joined: 10/23/2006	While this site is a great place to come to, it cannot take the place of time spent with your Heavenly Father. Seek that first - above all else!! I couldn't agree more. I had a hard time in the beggining too because I'd just been lied to and I felt like such an idiot because I went along thinking every thing was ok. The reason that I still have not gone to the group for gals like us at my church is because I'm terrified that it will make me more suspisious. (my husband says most of the men have cheated physically, He felt he didn't fit in there because he didn't see his sin as that bad, but now he knows thats not true.) Oops rambling, sorry. I've found this site to be wonderfully encouraging but I wouldn't replace time with God for it.


Gentleness	#19 Posted on 04/26/2007 09:07
New Member Posts: 40 Joined: 03/09/2007	justjen wrote: I am also finding I need to be careful how much time I invest in being on this site right now b/c often times it makes me question more...and be more suspicious... does anyone else find that? is it just me?! Nope - it's not just you! I find that too. In my case, my husband came to me to confess what he had been doing. Ok, he was deceiving me by doing something he knew I would hate and not mentioning it, and he sort-of lied by saying he was a virgin before we married when he had been masturbating over other women (though virginity in that context is a really tricky definition anyway). But I have no evidence he has outright lied - denied something when asked specifically. And I have every evidence that when I ask him he gives an honest answer, even if it hurts. I have to hang on to that! He had a secret life that he even mostly denied to himself - that secrecy is over. BUT but but - it is really really hard when so many women are being lied to as a matter of course and I find myself worrying that he is doing that too. I want to concentrate on trusting him - so I'm limiting the time I spend on here now to times when I feel I could make a good positive response. I know that is selfish, but it keeps me sane, and I believe I can glorify my God better if I don't test myself with things I know will make me feel irrational panic. And I can best support my husband if I protect myself from comparing him to other men - whether it is a good or bad comparison. He deserves that - and God certainly deserves my very best glorifying! Edited by Gentleness on 04/26/2007 09:08


hopeful	#20 Posted on 04/26/2007 16:50
Administrator Posts: 3750 Joined: 04/11/2007	I think the hardest part for me in all of this has been my original belief that these things weren't an issue and stumbling upon the truth...Trust is already a VERY hard thing for me and to try and find that balance of trusting and loving and trying to be wise can be very difficult... I am blessed that above all else, God is my protector, healer, and lover of my soul...my dh may fail me, but my GOD never fails...THAT I need to cling to... And yes, I need to make sure my time with Him is priority (which is hard w/ 3 kids and being exhausted with #4)... Can I just throw out there that I am SOO sick of our overly-sexed society...(UGHHH)...can we get over "chests" at some point?!?! I'm so tired of looking at them everywhere I turn!!! sorry...just in a quirky mood Edited by hopeful on 04/26/2007 16:52 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV