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DNR and my Mother In Law
eminmini	#201 Posted on 11/19/2010 22:05
Administrator Posts: 4902 Joined: 07/09/2007	(((hugs))) That is miserable. Have you been able to speak with the social worker about it? Perhaps the social worker's observation can help put some of your worries to rest - and give you some new coping skills to be able to have a more enjoyable visit. Wish my sister in law (who was a social worker at a nursing facility) was still alive - I'd call her for some advice for you. Love, em *Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. - Micah 7:18*


FreeNdeed	#202 Posted on 11/20/2010 09:35
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	She was all smiles and nice until she recognized me. In all honesty, I think you did get a glimpse of how she is when you all are not around. ((HUGS)) Inger Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


Gramapat	#203 Posted on 11/20/2010 09:50
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	I know, Inger. That is why it hits me so hard...I just have to wait her out, but I am afraid that her won't is stronger than our will....after all, she still does not speek to her other son, John, and it hads been over 30 years now! Lord, if this is a test, I really need your heart nd mind. Amen O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!


FreeNdeed	#204 Posted on 11/20/2010 10:21
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	Pat, Why do you take on her choices? Why do you hold the weight of how she has chosen to treat her family? Those are on her. No matter what you do or say, she has chosen to use emotional blackmail. It is so engrained in her, that as she fades, she just knows that's how she needs to be with fam. This has been her choice and no amount of anything that you say or do is going to change that. It has to be a change she made internally and most likely only with the help of God in the process. It is incredibly sad. It is incredibly painful to watch someone just toss away good loving intentions and people. Some people treat loved ones as expendable and trash. It's probably generational and much larger than anything 'just love' can fix. I am praying, that whatever is needed for your journey is revealed. I for one, know what it is like to hold the burden of IL's choices. It was never my bag to carry in the first place. Much love and just wish I could take the pain of enduring her ways away, but knowing I can't. I am doing what I can do and that is pray your journey gets revelations. Inger Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


Gramapat	#205 Posted on 11/21/2010 15:48
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	The ice wall has brokn. Thank you Lord for answered prayer. I went to see MIL after church, and when I arrived, she did not recognize me at first...once she did she started to turn sour. I pulled her "snowman" cookie jar out of a bag and she started to shake her head no, until I told her that he was full of homemade peanut butter cookies! She did not exactly smile, but at least the sour lemons look disappeared. I asked her what she had meant on Friday when she had said she needed her bed turned....she said that she wanted the head of her bed moved to the side wall so she could get around both sides, but maintenance does not work on Sunday, so never mind. I told her that I still work on Sunday! So she directed me and I moved her furniture for her. Now she can get around both sides of her bed AND see out the window from her rocker. (And, I hope, maybe start reading a bit again since now the daylight can fall directly on the pages instead of coming over the back of her chair....) Then we talked for a little while, and she actually opened up about how she is feeling about certain staff and that there is a resident that pokes her with his finger when he is talking to her-she would rather NOT sit at his table for lunch....but the staff just keeps putting her next to him at lunch. She said that the evening staff is wonderful, but she feels like the daytime staff acts as if doing anything for her is an imposition.....which, from what I've seen, when I've stopped in mid-morning, may well be true The morning staff seem to be sitting down in the dining room most of the time, but I've never seen anyone on the 3-11 shift sit down at all! I let her know that we are planning to have a care meeting with the director soon, and that we will bring these issues up then, and have her present to speak as well. I told her that I was going to be taking another jar of the homemade mincemeat to my daughter after I left her place, and asked if she wanted to come for dinner Thursday... that led to her showing me the menu for the coming week and a discussion of how she is doing mealwise. Which led to her finally telling me her teeth hurt! I've suspected that for a while, but she would not admit it. All in all, I was there almost 1/2 an hour and she even let me give her a hug. Oh how I've missed her hugs. I left in tears and am tearing up again as I write this. This was indeed answer to prayer for me. It reminded me so much of how we used to talk when she lived in her apartment....and of why it is so much better to have her where she is. Thank You Lord, for answered prayer. Edited by Gramapat on 11/21/2010 15:58 O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!


hopeful	#206 Posted on 11/21/2010 20:48
Administrator Posts: 3741 Joined: 04/11/2007	PRAISE GOD!!!!!! "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


FreeNdeed	#207 Posted on 11/21/2010 20:49
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	I have tears in my eyes too. Praising the Lord!!! Praising the Lord!!! ((HUGS)) Inger Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


eminmini	#208 Posted on 11/21/2010 23:58
Administrator Posts: 4902 Joined: 07/09/2007	Amen! (((hugs))) *Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. - Micah 7:18*


Gramapat	#209 Posted on 12/07/2010 07:54
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	Spent from 3:30 AM Saturday morning 'till after 7PM last night dealing with MIL at the hospital....so even when I was at home, part of me was still sitting with her in the hospital...Spent all day at the hospital waiting for her discharge yesterday- got there at 9am and she was discharged at 6:30PM....I am exhausted today! No real diagnosis, except for a minor bladder infection and obviously one of her episodes of Vertebrobasilar insufficiency.... She seems to be back to her cheerful self now, after 3 days of IV antibiotics and having one of us be there with her all day, everyday. Because DH is recovering from a bad cold and sounds like he is coughing up a lung, I got to do almost all of the hospital duty. Got a bunch of knitting done, but had to take a day off work yesterday, so today I need to put in a long day at work, and got nothing accomplished around the house this weekend.... Therer was not even any mention of coming back to our house- she was cheerfully extollling the virtues of Whispering Woods and all of her new friends there! (Did I mention that when she has had a TIA it always affects her memory...for the better this time, lol.) Praying she was not just putting on a show for the benefit of the hospital staff....that her opinion of being at Whispering Woods has shifted to positive..... DH mentioned that she was apparently hallucinating about some writing on her wall after I had left to go home to deal with the dogs (who had been home in their crates all day since 7 AM)..... He said she asked him what it said on the wall above her door- there is nothing-so, I did not sleep well with wondering what that was all about. I'm glad she is better, but once again I am exhausted from dealing with MIL....I am having a real case of "Why ME's?" today....bleack Edited by Gramapat on 12/07/2010 08:06 O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!


eminmini	#210 Posted on 12/07/2010 08:54
Administrator Posts: 4902 Joined: 07/09/2007	(((hugs))) Make sure to be taking care of yourself. Are you getting your vitamins (D especially). I know I've been having a difficult time as late too. Praying for you. *Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. - Micah 7:18*


FreeNdeed	#211 Posted on 12/07/2010 11:46
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	Why you? Why not you? (These are all said with a warm voice and smile.) It's just seasons of life, not a punishment. We all have parents and two sets in a marriage. It will be my turn at some point too. But it is important to get those feelings out so one can keep functioning. So glad that she is accepting and enjoying Whispering Woods. What a blessing. ((HUGS)) It has been a lot going on in a huge bundle. The house is always the place that gives during times like these. Inger Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


Gramapat	#212 Posted on 10/03/2011 07:59
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	Well, the day has arrived when MIL has outlived her money. Please pray for DH as he tries to solve HER problems himself. Medicaid was denied, because on the day he applied, she still had $2000 in her savings. That is now gone, after paying her October Assisted Living bill. It is $2500 a month for her care, and she only gets $1300 in Social Security.Noone expected she would live to be 96 and still be in relatively good health- although she is legally blind,deaf, and has severe arthritis. Please pray for all of us. Dh is severely depressed, not sleeping, and being consumed by guilt for her situation. I too am feeling guilty for not being able to keep her here with us as we had promised, back when we first had her move in.... God, help. O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!


hopeful	#213 Posted on 10/03/2011 11:10
Administrator Posts: 3741 Joined: 04/11/2007	Will be praying that as she applies again (I'm assuming you will?) that it will go through smoothly this time. As awful as it sounds, this is one of those times when I hope she will go peacefully in her sleep. Though, I pray that for everyone! I'm glad she has good memories of Whispering Woods... Praying peace over you today... "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


FreeNdeed	#214 Posted on 10/04/2011 11:59
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


eminmini	#215 Posted on 10/05/2011 20:52
Administrator Posts: 4902 Joined: 07/09/2007	(((hugs))) - Can you enlist the support of the social workers at the home to help you carve through the paperwork? Hoping that there is a resource that can help guide you guys through the paperwork tunnels. Praying. *Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. - Micah 7:18*


Gramapat	#216 Posted on 10/06/2011 08:02
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	OK, so DH finally scheduled an appointment with the right person at the home, we met with her yesterday. All is well. She is calling the case manager at HHS (local agency that handles the Medicaid waiver program) and the home will accept Mom's Social Security as payment in full until the Medicaid comes through- then they will accept the Medicaid and Social Security (minus a mandatory $60 per month for mom's personal needs) as payment in full. No nursing home, no homeless MIL, no big disaster. I am very relieved by all this news, but finding myself angry with DH for having consulted everyone EXCEPT the home for advice. He had convinced himself that letting them know that Mom was out of money would mean immediate eviction of Mom!!!!!!! Thank you Lord for this miracle of knowing that Mom will remain safe and cared for. Bless her with continuing good care for as long as she lives. And if it's not too much to ask, help me to not say, "I told you so!" to my DH. ReallyLord, I need help with my anger towards him, over his imagining the worst and becoming unable to act until things become a crisis. I'm tired of the not so Merry -Go- Round. O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!


FreeNdeed	#217 Posted on 10/06/2011 08:20
Tribal Elder Posts: 5925 Joined: 12/13/2008	I'm glad he did go to the source and that you are working on not doing the 'I told you so'. Let the results speak louder than an in his face response. He must feel relieved too. That speaks volumes. Blessings dear sister. Inger Galatians 5 Freedom in Christ 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. God so loves YOU!!!


eminmini	#218 Posted on 10/07/2011 00:41
Administrator Posts: 4902 Joined: 07/09/2007	So glad things are working out. I suppose his fear was very logical - but not very helpful. (((hugs))) about being grace-filled. *Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. - Micah 7:18*


hopeful	#219 Posted on 10/07/2011 00:55
Administrator Posts: 3741 Joined: 04/11/2007	Praising God that it all worked out. Must be a HUGE weight off of both of you.... "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV


Gramapat	#220 Posted on 06/09/2012 21:26
Tribal Elder Posts: 1797 Joined: 08/19/2007	Short and quick- we received the news recently that the Assisted Living facility will NOT honor the agreement we had made with the Director last fall (as she is no longer the Director) to allow MIL to stay there at and accept her SS as payment in full, until her Medicaid Waiver is approved. Not only that, but they are billing her $9,000 in back rent for the time that the agreement was supposedly in effect. They said she cannot there any longer, and are starting eviction. She ran out of money last fall. All she has for income is SS. We do not have any savings OR income to be able to pay the difference between her SS and what they now want to charge her per month....as of last week she was too healthy to qualify for a nursing home under her medicare. Fast forward to tonight. It has now been 2 days since she had another "episode"-DH saw her last night- she had not gotten out of bed all day, had not eaten or drunk anything at all.It appears to us that she has had another stroke, as her speech was slurred and one side of her face was droopy. The report from the staff tonight is that she again spent the day in bed, but did drink a little today.DH was talking about taking her to hospital if she is not better tomorrow morning. I asked him why... His response was, so that she can go from there to a nursing home... I reminded him that she IS DNR. Sending her to the hospital would probably result in her being put on IV fluids and being given a feeding tube...both of which she has requested NOT having again. She has said over and over again that she just wants to die, cannot understand why God keeps leaving her here...sending her to the hospital now would only bring her more bills she cannot pay and the prolonging of a miserable existence. Pray for us. We love MOM, but just letting her die from dehydration or starvation is unthinkable. She is not coherent enough to make decisions for herself. DH has full Medical and financial power of Attorney. He is struggling to do the right thing, while being aware that financially, her death would solve a lot of problems.... Father God, give us wisdom to find what it is that you would have us do, or not do. Edith is your daughter and she is in your hands. Are we supposed to do nothing and let her die from dehydration? Help us, this is so hard. Give us the mind and heart of Jesus. Amen Edited by Gramapat on 06/09/2012 21:38 O come, let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!

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