What do you think your wife would say is worse????
Your lusting?
Or not wanting to be with her sexually?
Just wondering.................
I guess you can tell that I'm having a hard time right now. You have been so kind to answser my questions in the past, I just wonder if I'm ever going to get over this thing of not having sex with my husband.....it makes me sad. He doesn't want to see me naked which, in turn, makes me not want to see him naked either.....I'm beginning to feel dirty about sex. I'm afraid how I will react if/when he does want me again....right now, I can't see me wanting it.
Edited by autumn on 01/31/2010 16:49
Both of your questions lead back to deep rejection which is awful for anyone to bare. Rejection sexually or rejection because of the desire for lust goes so deep into the heart of a woman. Often times both issues have deep roots in "control" and that takes time to accept, reject and denounce.
Sex can be a wonderful or it can be a horrible curse. Often times when marriages are beginning to heal there is a feel of deep "cursedness" that comes over couples as they push through the process. It's usually their emotions as they face painful realities.
Rejection is awful. But often men reject their wives because they feel very controlled and rejecting makes them feel like they have a sense of dignity again. That they still have a choice in their lives. To reject to find worth & dignity in your life is childish stuff. That is what we did when someone failed to pick you for a game and when they finally did pick you to join their team you simply took the ball and refused to play at all...that is reaction to rejection. It's a childish way to deal with it but most sex addicts are little boys in many, many ways.
It does make sense. I don't like it, but it does make sense.
Our pastor said yesterday that we all need to say to ourselves, "I am a treasured child of the most High God." I know in my brain that I am, and I know in my brain that my dh is working really hard on his sobriety and is doing well. It's my heart that is still feeling broken. He's made such progress and I am proud of him and his determination to journey through this and I'm proud that he has himself in a 12 step program and is continuing counseling....maybe I'm not as far a long as he is.
He is going to be baptized in 3 weeks, and he is excited about it, but he said that he's more excited about the feeling that came over him in church a couple of weeks ago. I know it was the holy spirit and he just doesn't want that feeling to fade. I know that feeling too.
All I know is, this feeling of rejection truly is awful. We're going to co counseling on the 9th..........maybe we'll get to discuss it there. I just feel sad a lot.
Will he want me again? Will it really take as long as a year? My support of the wives of SA says it could take us to hell and back, but it will be worth it. Do you think so? Are we too old to want sex in our late 50's? Some days I just feel old.
Again, thanks for your time. Your willingness to be so open and honest with us here is amazing.
I think what needs to happen is some brutal honesty within the protective place of a counselor's office. I mean the type of honesty that is going to hurt a lot but it will clear away a lot of confusion so you guys can start over.
My counselor basically said, "The marriage is over, the old one didn't work, you are both miserable, you need to let it die. We are going to work on a new marriage based on honesty and responsiblity, God will forge a new marriage for you that will be far better than the old"
I was shocked to hear those words. "Let it die" but in time, I saw he was right. I grieved the wasted years and then in time I enjoyed the new relationship.
That is my prayer for you guys. I pray you will share your heart and tell him how you feel no matter how much it hurts or how much it hurt him. I pray for many tears to flow, I pray for hearts to be utter broken and I pray for God's healing to flow over old hearts to bath them & renew them and plant seeds of a new marriage deep.
