|
confused
|
| smiths |
Posted on 03/12/2010 04:39
|
New Member
Posts: 26
Joined: 18.02.10
|
So I've just been struggling with the term "recovery" like how do I know if my husband is in recovery? Sorry if this sounds silly but that is the question in my head all of this week. I went to a support group last night (go every Thursday now) and we are about to cycle some of the girls to another group. Anyway I say this to say a lot of the girls are further along into recovery than me.
My husband has been going to groups too and I have set up boundaries. I told him he had to let me know if he slips and this morning I reminded him. But I am not sure if we should have gone on a sexual fast or something. Like if we are intimate, I am not sure if it is not the best for his recovery. Sorry, I'm just so confused and I was hoping you all may be able to help me shed some light. Thanks
II Corinthians 12:9
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. |
| |
|
|
| eminmini |
Posted on 03/12/2010 05:02
|
Administrator
Posts: 3420
Joined: 09.07.07
|
To me recovery goes in fits and starts - it's not a straight road and it's not always forward progress. It's kind of like losing weight - you may start out on fire and then hit plateaus and backslides. And while those plateaus and backslides can feel devastating - it's in those places that you sometimes learn the most. And each challenge, each delay helps you to further cement a lesson in your head. Probably one of the first one all of us work on learning is the I will not snoop to check up lesson - because by snooping we further erode trust which is precisely the thing we are looking for and craving. And if you think about it logically - how could one expect to build trust if they don't behave in a trustworthy manner themselves.
Don't compare your recovery to anyone elses' - you are you and God has his own time table and lesson plan for you. I'm sure you are anxious to move further down the road - I know I was and still am. But God has his own timing for you and there are things that will seem painful but will bring more beautiful things to light. I suppose that sounds goofy but I had evidence of it in a battle I fought last year. In short - an old friend of my husband's from a support group was really getting in between us (inappropriate contact, nosey, etc.) I told DH that this friend had to go. Well the friend stayed a way for a while and then embarked on a year long campaign to try to reconnect. Calling, writing letters, etc. Just sort of dropping in and out of our lives at random and creating chaos. The last straw though was when he sent a letter to me telling me what an awful person I was for not trusting and supporting my DH. Well that finally tipped my DH off to all the concerns I had expressed about this person, DH was furious, but out of it all proclaimed how precious I was to him and finally understood why I saw this friend as a threat to our marriage.) It took a whole year - but God worked through all the icky stuff so that a new level of loyalty and devotion developed between dh and I.
I encourage you to not give up - hold steady.
Hope this helps you.
((( hugs )))
Love,
em
"Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, he who does evil has not seen God." 3 John 1:11 |
| |
|
|
| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 03/12/2010 06:29
|
Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
|
This is a difficult part in the process. The hard part is building up trust about DH and where he is at because it requires time and his consistency and honesty. When he is honest with himself and makes changes because of what he knows about himself, then that is a good sign.
For ourselves, it requires consistency with God and following His lead. It's like spurts like Emily said. I was stuck in getting my priority of trust correct for a large amount of time. But once it set in that God was with me whether DH stayed or not .... life got better. I was no longer defined by my marriage nor by my husband's actions. I had made all that my worth which was very restrictive and it made me very afraid to move or do the wrong thing. Yet it hemmed my husband in because he could never live up to the pedestal I had put him on. Kind of felt defeated before he began. I felt disappointed continually. It was a horrible cycle to be in. It contributed to us being alone in the same room together.
I stopped checking up because there were so many ways one could keep hiding the viewing and the more I looked it seemed the more a challenge it was to try and hide it than there was energy put into stopping.
Love in Christ and  for wisdom during this stage in the process,
Inger
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
| |
|
|
| Jellybean62 |
Posted on 03/12/2010 19:21
|
Senior Contributor
Posts: 718
Joined: 08.08.07
|
What great wisdom given! The only thing I would add is the "recovery talk"
It 's real easy to let the words we use here and in our recovery groups start to overtake us. We are all desperate to identify with others like us that we end up getting overwhelmed with being self critical or disappointed that we are not further along. But I found owning my feelings and emotions is where I really began to look inward at me, not dh or anyone else. Be gentle with yourself sister. It's not a hurry up get better thing. I found a peace in seeing healing and tiny step recovery . I wanted to get this right, I was and still am willing to go back until I get it right.
When we sat down one night and asked each other what is recovering look like to you, hearing his ideas scared me because they looked NOTHING like mine. I must say I prayed more, which then led me to move aside to let God deal with him. Our recovery now is very much together in one vein, that happened all by itself. THANK GOD!!
I hope this is helpful. Bless you and stay strong in the word and promises of God! God loves you with an everlasting love.
~Jellybean
If we have not love we have nothing |
| |
|
|
| eminmini |
Posted on 03/13/2010 04:03
|
Administrator
Posts: 3420
Joined: 09.07.07
|
Oh Jellybean - that is SOOOO TRUE.
In fact our marriage counselor even had my DH talk about why DH labeled himself as a sex addict. This was really helpful to me - because it put a really bright light on the ghostie in the corner - and once the ghostie was exposed to light - well it wasn't so big and fearsome after all.
So finding ways to have good heartfelt discussions to determine what each individual situation is about can go a long way in supporting healing.
Smiths - hope this discussion is giving you some comfort and hope. ((( hugs )))
Love,
em
"Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, he who does evil has not seen God." 3 John 1:11 |
| |
|
|
| smiths |
Posted on 03/13/2010 12:12
|
New Member
Posts: 26
Joined: 18.02.10
|
Thanks so much for your support. I think I really do try to hurry up and feel better but it takes time.
I stopped checking up because there were so many ways one could keep hiding the viewing and the more I looked it seemed the more a challenge it was to try and hide it than there was energy put into stopping.
This is something I have told myself I wouldn't do. It does not even help me feel better anyway.
It's not a hurry up get better thing. I found a peace in seeing healing and tiny step recovery . I wanted to get this right, I was and still am willing to go back until I get it right.
Thanks for this, it is so true. Sometimes I think I am taking the fight or flight stance and I just need to remember that this will take time. I really appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement
Edited by smiths on 03/13/2010 12:13
II Corinthians 12:9
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. |
| |
|
|
| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 03/13/2010 21:22
|
Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
|
Totally understand because I was there too. ((HUGS))
Inger
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
| |
|
