So I'm thinking I need to write up a boundaries letter for my huband who makes promises and promises and promises and doesn't follow through. I'll be honest, I am afraid, especially about the part about asking him to move out...I know it needs to be done but I'm just wondering about the kids. We have 3 kids under 4 1/2 and I'm not sure if I should just ask him to sleep downstairs as I don't know how it will affect the kids or how to do this all with the kids. If they don't see their daddy for a week, I don't know if that's the right thing or not. What will I say to the oldest two? Do you have any thoughts on this?
Another thing, I haven't confronted my husband about the last couple of things he's looked at on the computer (which aren't technically porn because we have X3watch on the computer and he's trying to get under the radar by using search words like "hot" and "girls dancing" in youtube) but it's all the same to me, it's all "other women". ANyway, haven't confronted him because I'm sick of being his "mom" and he's NEVER actually confronted me about anytime, I've always been the one. So, there's this stuff inbetween us and I don't know when to say anything, I'm waiting for God for the right moment but my husband keeps trying to initiate sex and I am SO turned off, even repulsed right now because I feel so used and defiled and violated and on and on...I'm not sure what to do. Is it wrong to just keep casually turning him down, do I need to just stand up and say something, and what do I say?
This might be so obvious, but I'm just confused.
Thanks for your time.
nikki
I would think you have good reason to be afraid, boundaries and the consequences of them are not fun. When my wife gave me those boundaries and I broke them, I had to bend down and explain to my kids through many tears that I was so sorry for my poor decisions. My son, who was probably 4 at the time, thought he had not been obedient enough and that was why I left. That shattered me. My wife and myself seperately talked with him and explained that my leaving had nothing to do with his level of obedience. He says that because we were honest with him he no longer believed that he was at fault (Thank you Lord!).
So with kids, you just have to be honest with them, explain that Daddy broke a promise to you and because of that he needs to live somewhere else for a while so he can get better. My wife said she was very sad but this was the only way that daddy could get better. She also admitted she was very upset with daddy but was praying that God would put things back together again. Each child is different of course, but the damage caused to a child that sees parents fighting or displaying an unhealthy marriage should not be overlooked.
A girl who sees that men can hurt women through porn and get away with it is being taught that she can be mistreated in that way---it's "normal". Yuck.
A boy sees that a father can lust after other women and it doesn't seem to change anything will learn the lesson that "boys will be boys" and a woman should tolerate such behavior--Yuck.
So while I would agree that if it comes to it and your husband loves his sin more than living with his family it will hurt your kids when he moves out but at least you are modeling to them that this behavior is not cool, not healthy and not going to happen under your roof. A little girl will see that Mommy respects herself and so should she. A little boy sees that Mommy is not going to be abused and so he should learn that girls should be respected and honored.
Valuable lessons for little children I would think eh?
Your husband is playing around. He is not reaping the pain of his decisions. He desperately needs boundaries and so do you. Boundaries will enable you to back off and not be mommy but simply (and regretfully) watch your husband reap what he has sown...he'll probably accuse you of being "mean" or whatever and you will need to be prepared for that. Remember that the pain that your husband will cause you and your kids is because of his decisions not yours. He might be powerless to stop in his own strength but he is not powerless to ask for help and get help. He probably won't seek help until the pain is too much.
